Not Yet Dead
by ForeverLilacLies
Summary: Alistair fled Ferelden after the Warden spares Loghain. Now Teagan has convinced him to return. An ugly bitterness has filled Alistair and he is no longer the man he once was. F!Cousland/Alistair


**I'm quite addicted to this Dragon Age game. I adore the characters and the plot. I don't own anything sadly. I hope this will be approved. Thank you!**

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><p>Alistair Theirin had fancied himself in love. He had even pictured his future with his heart. He imagined them married in a humble little ceremony, him wearing his best armor and her in a lovely dress with flowers in her hair. He imagined kissing her and seeing her playful grin when they parted. Despite the odds of ever having children were drastically against them, he could imagine the little patter of feet. He imagined the children with his hair and her lovely eyes. He imagined naming his son Duncan or perhaps after her father. He had hoped to live out his years at her side, happy and free...he imagined a lot of things it seemed.<p>

Now those hopes were gone, slashed away with her betrayal. And where once was love and devotion for Elissa Cousland now sat bitter hatred and pain. He never wanted to be king. He never wanted the throne or responsibility. He only wished for justice. Justice _she_ failed to provide. He had fled Ferelden, fled from her and the betrayal. And once he could no longer see the the shores of his home he allowed himself to grieve. Alistair would learn of the victory while on the road. How Loghain and Elissa had faced the archdemon and both lived, how Elissa had risen to Commander of the Grey. A bitter seed had planted in Alistair's heart. His thoughts surrounding Cousland had lost their innocent adoration and were now replaced with imaginations of revenge. He wished to hurt her as she had hurt him. He wished for her to suffer as he continued to.

He found odd jobs on the road, hired muscle and all that fun. However he never managed to keep a job for long and would soon find himself wandering once again. In taverns he would drink himself into a drunken stupor and ramble on about how he had been betrayed. None paid him much mind however. He was a wandering drunkard, hardly worth noticing. He wondered what Duncan would think of him. He had bitterly decided that it did not matter for he was dead and the traitor who had caused it was alive and well.

During the nights he would occasionally pay for a prostitute. At first he cared not what they looked like but as time passed he began to take whores that looked like _her_. He would search for that familiar mop of red hair and blue eye mix. It never truly worked out. Their hair wasn't the correct shade, their eyes not like hers. But he made do and sometimes he would imagine it was her he was fucking, and it usually ended with the prostitute bleeding and bruised and Alistair filled with that all too familiar rage.

It was during one of his drinking bouts in the Hanged Man that Teagan came for him. He had been wallowing in his drunken bitterness, watching the other patrons including the dark haired mage that he sometimes spotted running amok with her rag tag team. He was often reminded of his time with Cousland and their group of misfits. What was the mage's name... pigeon...or hawk or flamingo...some bird. He had recognized the scantily clad pirate and the night on the boat with her and Elissa.

Night had fallen and the Hanged Man was packed on that night. Alistair had been drinking and bitterly watching as the bird mage conversed with her white haired elf lover when a familiar face approached. The ex Grey Warden had looked away from the two companions and internally groaned. Alistair had scowled and took the drink from his lips in displeasure as he stared at Teagan. Of course Teagan would come here, why wouldn't he? Any reminder of what he had lost would most certainly shove its way into his face again.

"Yes, I'm still here! What do you want from me?" He had instantly shot out and Teagan had sighed.

"So you are here."

"Go away, Teagan." Alistair had muttered nearly whining.

"That's enough, Alistair. I think you've wallowed in self-pity long enough, don't you?" Teagan had spoken softly.

"And what am I supposed to do?" Alistair had asked, staring at his sort of uncle in wait for his response. Teagan's gaze had softened even more and he took the seat across from Alistair, actually prying the drink from his fingers.

"Start again." Teagan had suggested. "Come with me. Back to Ferelden."

_Back to Ferelden..._

Alistair had slumped back n his chair. Going back...no, no, no, no,no...that would never do. He couldn't bear to return back there. He couldn't stand to stand on that dirt again. Teagan's expression turned imploring as he gazed at Alistair. The former Grey Warden considered sneering at him. Telling him to shove off. But instead he allowed himself to be led from the Hanged Man. He allowed himself to leave it behind and follow Teagan back to uncertainty.

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><p>Elissa Cousland was tired. She could feel exhaustion seeping up her skin and into her bones. She walked steadily forward, Oghren at her side. He was filled with his normal pump and vigor over their latest victory. She wished she could share in his enthusiasm but she hadn't the energy to do so. Instead she had merely smiled at his expletive rendition of their battle. The rest of their party followed, word out but in good spirits. An inn was not too far down the road. She would be able to use the rest.<p>

"Those sodding bastards didn't know what hit 'em!" Oghren cheered, laughter bubbling from his chest. He nudged his commander and waggled his eyebrows.

"We'll have to do that more often!"

"What? Take out Darkspawn? We always do that." Elissa replied with a laugh. Oghren shook his head.

"Nah...I mean the explosion! Darkspawn body parts everywhere! It's been awhile since we've had anything that fun!"

"We could always just wander down to the Deep Roads and pick them off from there." Nathaniel Howe suggested as he came to Elissa's side. Elissa stuck out her tongue.

"I rather prefer top side." She replied yawning. Nathaniel chuckled.

"Air is much fresher up here." He agreed. They spotted the inn just over the crest of the hill and Elissa nearly danced with relief. They each took rooms for the evening and settled in for the night.

Sleep however alluded Elissa once again.

Instead her thoughts were plagued with worries. Worries about the order and nightmares that woke her up with a jolt. Most of all her thoughts would betray her and return to the man who had stolen her heart and ultimately crushed it. She had loved Alistair. Truly. He had been the first person to make her smile after her parent's murder. He had easily wormed his way into her heart. Elissa could recall the conversation with her brother before the massacre. He had teased her telling her that one day she would find herself a man. She had scoffed at the notion at the time. What man in his right mind would be good with her? She had no time for such sentiments. Sure she had her crushes and flirtations but there was no danger in that. There was however danger in falling in love.

Yet fall in love she did. With a man who effortless put a smile on her face, made her knees weak and her heart soar. His awkward charm had stolen her heart and he had loved her back. And despite all the obstacles they would face it seemed like it would all work out in the end. Wynne however had been right and the love Elissa and Alistair had shared slipped right through her fingers and she could not stop it.

Elissa had spared Loghain and in doing so lost Alistair. Yet she couldn't bring herself to regret sparing him. Loghain had surrendered and it was only honorable that Elissa accept it. It was only right that she allow him to right his wrongs. And with Anora standing right there... she knew that pain and did not wish it on another. Alistair had been furious. He demanded she kill him. Demanded her to choose! To make him king! And when Elissa refused, Alistair had chosen to leave. It had been a relief that Anora had spared Alistair. That she had not lost him to the axe. Yet he left. In the middle of a war and he had left her. Left her to face the archdemon with only Loghain as her defense.

After the Landsmeet, Elissa had returned to the estate avoiding the sympathetic gazes her companions had shot her and returned to her room. She had found everything in a disray. Her items strewn about. Elissa had stilled, looking around the room with confusion. In the middle of the floor lay the rose Alistair had given her; crushed and destroyed. A ringing filled Elissa's ears as she stared at it. The rose that had been the start of their relationship now lay in shambles at her feet. Just like their relationship. Elissa had allowed herself to weep at the sight of it. Such a silly thing to cry over. Yet she gulped and gathered the rose into trembling hands, watching as the petals fell apart in her grasp. She found Alistair's rooms in a similar. state. All the gifts she had given him destroyed like the rose.

Elissa had forced herself to hold it together. She needed to continue on. And she managed. She found that Loghain was actually a pleasant person. He had a fondness for maps. And was repentant for his crimes. Elissa had considered what she would do if it had been Rendon Howe who had conceded defeat and surrendered. Would she had spared him? Perhaps. The law would have taken him anyway. It would not have mattered. Loghain survived the archdemon and had moved on. His daughter now securely on the throne and Ferelden once again united.

Alistair never returned.

She supposed it should not have surprised her but the hurt was still there. Perhaps it always would be.

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><p>Alistair trudged beside Teagan. They had landed in Ferelden that morning. Rain drizzled overhead and the old smell of wet dog left Alistair almost wistful. Teagan was grinning ear to ear. Pleased to have convinced Alistair to return with him.<p>

"Eamon will be pleased to see you, naturally. Conner's been sent to the circle and is doing quite well there. He's even made some friends. Isolde misses him of course but it was for the best." The man continued to prattle one. Alistair was only have listening. The years had certainly brought change to Ferelden. It seemed like they were recovering nicely from the Blight.

"...Anora has no heir so there is contemplation on who she will name...Highever has recovered wonderfully. Fergus Cousland reclaimed it and has managed to bring order back-"

"Fergus Cousland is alive?" Alistair asked in surprise, recalling Elissa having mentioned an elder brother.

"Ah yes you never did meet him did you. Nice fellow. Very witty. He had been wounded during the Blight and finally managed to reach us after the archdemon fell. The Warden Commander was ecstatic to see him as you can imagine." Alistair's mood instantly soured at the mention of Elissa. Teagan sensed Alistair's disdain and blessedly fell quiet.

They rested at an Inn on their way to Redcliffe. Alistair did not sleep, preferring to sit in his bed and stare glumly at the candle. He regretted following Teagan back here. What had he hoped to accomplish? There was nothing for him but painful memories and a life he would much prefer to forget. The flame flickered, casting a rich orange glow on the small room.

The next morning the men awakened early and are out the door before the sun rises. The air remained cool for their journey, Alistair recognized different areas as they traveled. He remembered fighting Darkspawn on certain stretches of land. They traveled by an old camp site that the group had used during their travels.

They traveled through the day, stopping and camping for the night by Lake Calenhad. Over head the moon was bright. It seemed to shine far brighter in Ferelden than it ever had in Kirkwall.

"We're less than a day away from Redcliffe. Eamon will be pleased to see you." Teagan's voice spoke up from across the fire. Alistair lifted his gaze and stared at the older man.

"Why?" He asked and Teagan blinked.

"Why what?"

"Why the effort to bring me back to Ferelden? I have no use to you now that Anora is queen."

"That's not why I came for you. I came because there are people who care for you. Myself included. What did you hope to gain by fleeing Ferelden. Anora granted you mercy."

"Her **mercy** was nothing more than a boon. I may have been able to walk away with my life but what freedom would I have had?" Alistair asked a cold edge in his voice. An edge that still surprised Teagan. The older man sighed, pinching the bride of his nose and leaning against the log behind him.

"It has been a long day," He murmured. "Get some rest." He advised.

_"Maker's balls!" Alistair squeaked as he felt something cold touch his thigh. An amused giggle reached his ears and he opened his eyes to see Elissa laying beside him, running a bare foot up Alistair's leg. Alistair grinned._

_"You my lady have cold feet." He stated, rising up from his pallet to regard his fellow warden. Elissa smiled and leant towards Alistair placing a light kiss on his cheek._

_"Does that displease you my dear?" She asked. Alistair wrapped an arm around her, pulling her close. She melted against him, completely at ease in his arms. Alistair hummed, twiddling with her hair.  
><em>

_"No, no...I find your icy toes quite charming. He replied. His took her equally cold fingers into his grip and brought them to his lips. The rest of the camp were fast asleep. He could hear Oghren's snores from on the other side of the camp. Shale stood in the distance, muttering to herself. Elissa lay her head against Alistair's shoulder, her smile turning sleepy. Alistair buried his nose in her hair and closed his eyes a smiling straining his lips.  
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_"The moon's bright tonight." Elissa whispered, her breath puffing against Alistair's neck. Alistair cracked open and eye to follow her gaze. And indeed, the moon above glowed with light, it illuminated off Elissa'd eyes as she stared up at it.  
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_"Ah. Yes. Very pretty." He observed. He closed his eyes again as Elissa relaxed against him. He stroked her shoulder, and put his free arm behind hi head. Elissa's cold fingers trailed down Alistair's chest.  
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_"Alistair?"_

_"Yes, love?" Alistair murmured.  
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_"Do you think...perhaps if the situation had been different...my parent's had never been killed, a blight never occurring...do you think we still would have met each other?" Alistair's eyes met Elissa's and he blinked. Would they have met? With Elissa at home and safe and Alistair with the Grey Wardens would their paths have managed to cross? Or would they continue on in life without ever knowing each other existed.  
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_"I...I don't know. I had never...thought about it." The chances were slim at best. His love smiled at him, her fingers stroking his cheek.  
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_"I'm glad I was able to meet you." Elissa murmured, her eyes shining. "I lost so much and it was...it was comforting to be able to meet you and know the world wasn't all so dark."_

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><p>"I can sense a Grey Warden ahead." Nathaniel Howe commented as they crossed over the valley. Rain fell heavy over their heads, forcing them to use their heavy cloaks for protection. Elissa lifted her gaze. Her hair clung to her face in thick wet strands. She scowled slightly at the continued rain, wishing nothing more than for it to end.<p>

"I'm going to check it out." Nathaniel continued. Oghren belched in reply earning an exasperated glare from Elissa.

"What?" Oghren stated at her look. Elissa sighed. "Nothing. let's keep moving." They trailed ahead, Nathaniel moving ahead in curiosity of the approaching warden. "It's two men." He called over his shoulder. Elissa nodded and Oghren approached Nathaniel and let out a laugh at the sight before him.

"By my hairy ass, it's Teagan!" He called out, glancing back at the Commander.

Elissa stared in surprise. A smile twitched at her lips and she picked up her pace. Teagan lifted his head at the sound of his name and grinned as he recognized the dwarf.

"Well, well. Hello Oghren." He greeted, pleased to see a familiar face. Beside him Alistair's eyes had widened and Oghren had looked towards him and his jaw dropped open.

"Damn..." Oghren murmured, staring at the man.

Alistair did not know what to say. His expression just as shocked as the dwarf's. He followed after Teagan, glancing towards the dark haired man at Oghren's side. At that moment another cloaked figure came into view. They stopped their walk and went very still. Oghren turned to glance at them, looking suddenly uncomfortable, something unexpected of him. Alistair's brow furrowed as he stared at his former companion.

"Alistair," A familiar voice finally spoke out blandly. Alistair stepped back, his eyes shooting to the cloaked figure as they removed the hood.

And all at once, Alistair was staring into the eyes of Elissa Cousland.

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><p>Her hair was longer. That was the first thing Alistair noted. No longer chopped to her shoulders and ragged, her hair was now pulled into an immaculate braid. It suited her. Her eyes were cold too. but Alistair figured they merely matched his own. A stillness had fallen over the air as the former companions and lovers stared at each other. It was like everyone was holding their breath.<p>

Alistair's gaze shifted quickly to where Teagan stood, looking torn between concern and curiosity at the two Wardens. Finally Alistair regarded the woman who had betrayed him with a cool expression, a look that was foreign on his normally open and friendly face.

"Well, I see you're still alive." He commented and Elissa bristled.

"Naturally." She stated. Elissa did not know what to do. Part of her wished to turn on her heel and leave wth her dignity while another, stronger part of her wished to throw herself into Alistair's arms and cry. She did neither however, standing her ground and offering Teagan her best smile.

"Hello Teagan." She greeted and Teagan smiled back nodding his head.

"Hello Warden. It is good to see you again."

"Likewise." She replied genially. Silence once again fell over the gropu, not even Oghren sure on what to say next. Instead his gaze shifted from his Commander to the bastard prince. He thought of Branka and the awkwardness that had surrounded their meeting. It was like that all over again only instead both parties were angry. Teagan, unable to handle the awkwardness anymore turned to Nathaniel and beamed.

"And Nathaniel Howe, how have you been holding up?" He asked, Nate nodded at Teagan.

"Quite well. How about you?"

Alistair blinked and raised an eyebrow.

"A Howe? My, my Warden- Commander. I did not expect that out of you." He stated. Elissa's already tense body seemed to turn to stone.

"Don't you dare start Alistair." She stated coolly.

"Start? Oh am I starting something?" He turned to Howe. "You must be Rendon Howe's son." He greeted. Elissa closed her eyes while Nate regarded Alistair in distaste. "It would seem that I am."

"Never got to meet the man. Heard he turned on a bunch of people and allowed them to die so he could earn some power."

"Alistair-" Elissa began only for Nathaniel to step forward.

"I see what you are trying to do bastard. It will not work." Nathaniel replied darkly. Elissa turned to the rest of the Wardens, attempting to regain her barrings.

"I suppose this is a prime example of what a Warden is not supposed to do. Be advised that I will not tolerate any desertion. Let Alistair be an example to you all. We do not allow our emotions to cloud our duty." Alistair glared at the woman in silence. Teagan's hand on his shoulder keeping him from shooting back a reply. Elissa turned back to Teagan. "This had been uncomfortable for everyone involved and i think it is best to part ways. Goodbye Teagan." She signaled to the rest of the party and they nodded to Teagan in farewell. Teagan nodded sadly.

"I am sorry for the trouble Commander. I trust you will be successful in your latest task." He offered Elissa an apologetic smile and Elissa nodded coolly.

"We always are Teagan." She replied crisply. She bid him farewell and the Grey Wardens began to head out. Oghren however allowed them to walk ahead so he could speak. Alistair met his glare with one of his own.

"What do you want Oghren?"

"Nothing. Just thought you should know that I expected a lot more from you... I'd have expected the elf or Loghain would be the ones to turn on us. But old Oghren's been wrong before."

"Loghain betrayed the Warden's at Ostagar. As everyone seems to forget."

"Yeah but he was the one standing up with the boss at the end. He didn't run off with his tails tucked between his legs. More than I can say for you." Alistir gir his teeth and shrugged off Teagan's hand. Oghren shook his head and sighed. He began to head off with the rest of the Wardens than stopped again.

"You know...I used to make fun of you for banging the boss...but I always thought you two would be alright. Not like Branka and me...take care of yourself." He stated and turned.

"Oghren," Alistair called out. The dwarf turned.

"What?"

"Take care of her," Alistair nodded in the direction Elissa had headed. "Make sure she's...safe." Oghren's expression softened slightly.

"You know as well as I do that she doesn't need anyone taking care of her."

"I know...I just-"

"Yeah yeah I get it. Lost love...still got the hots for her. I'll make sure she doesn't kill herself." He waved dismissively and walked away, leaving Alistair and Teagan behind. Teagan sighed and rubbed his nose.

"Well that certainly could have gone better." He nodded to the road. "We still have a ways to go. We should head out." He headed down the path while Alistair stared after the now out of sight Wardens. Run to her...and do what? He didn't know if he would kiss her or strike her at this point. Instead he tore his gaze away and followed quietly after Teagan. He was better off not returning at all. But it was too late to run now. She had already seen him. Perhaps he could make something of himself in Ferelden.

_"Here...look at this. Do you know what this is?"_

_"Is this your new weapon of choice?" The woman asked looking at the rose curiously.  
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_"Yes, that's right. Watch as I thrash our enemies with the mighty power of floral arrangements! Feel my thorns, darkspawn! I will overpower you with my rosy scent!" Alistair teased with a laugh. Elissa grinned in response._

_"Or, you know, it could just be a rose. I know that's pretty dull in comparison." Alistair stated softly._

_"You've been thumbing that rose for awhile, now." Elissa pointed out._

_"I picked it in Lothering. I remember thinking, how could something so beautiful exist in a place with so much despair and ugliness? I probably should have left it alone, but I couldn't. The darkspawn would come and their taint would just destroy it. So I've had it ever since."_

_"That's a nice sentiment."_

_"I thought that I might…give it to you, actually. In a lot of ways, I think the same thing when I look at you." Alistair murmured._

_"I…don't know what to say." She murmured, her brows furrowed in surprise._

_"I guess it's a bit silly, isn't it?" he rushed on. "I just thought, here I am doing all this complaining, and you haven't exactly been having a good time of it, yourself. You've had none of the good experience of being a Grey Warden since your Joining. Not a word of thanks or congratulations. It's all been death and fighting and tragedy." Alistair muttered and Elissa nodded in understanding._

_"I thought maybe I could say something. Tell you what a rare and wonderful thing you are to find amidst all this darkness." He took her hand in his own and placed the rose in her palm. Slowly her fingers wrapped around it, her expression still shocked. A blush crept up her cheeks and she smiled up at Alistair._

_"I...I feel the same way about you, Alistair." She murmured her expression turning from anxious to happy._

_"I'm glad you like it. Now, if we could move right on past this awkward and embarrassing stage and get right to the steamy bits, I'd appreciate it."_

_"Sounds good. Off with the armor then."_

_"Bluff called! Damn! She saw right through me!" Alistair laughed and Elissa cocked her head slightly, her expression turning serious.  
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_ "Why must it be a bluff?" She questioned and Alistair shifted anxiously.  
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_"Well, it doesn't **have** to be a bluff. Well, I suppose we are in camp. The tent's... right over there. This is true." He babbled watching her smile.  
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_"No time like the present, then!"_

_"I'll be... I'll be standing over here. Until the blushing stops. Just to be, uh, safe. You know how it is." Alistair replied with a nervous laugh.  
><em>

He had destroyed the rose. Alistair remembered having packed all his belongings and falling across various gifts she had given him. And like with his mother's amulet; he destroyed them one by one. The statuettes shattered, and the rune stones smashed. He took Duncan's shield and placed it on his back. Then he found Elissa's room.

The rose had been in plain sight by her bedside. He had slowly approached it, almost anxious to feel the soft velvet underneath his fingertips. He can remember his fingertips brushing hers as he gave her the rose. He can recall how she had smiled at him. How she kept it safe. She treasured it as much as she treasured her family sword and shield. She had even had Wynne cast a spell on it to keep it from dying. And like the darkspawn he had dedicated his life to hunting, he took the rose and destroyed it. Crushing it beneath his fist and dropping it for Elissa to find.

Down the darkening path, Elissa Cousland walked steadily onwards. Her fellow wardens had fallen quiet and allowed her to enjoy the silence. Behind her she could hear Oghren muttering to himself. She appreciated that he didn't attempt to talk to her. Instead he allowed her the chance to think.

Alistair had returned to Ferelden...just as bitter as when he had left. She swallowed the painful lump that had formed in her throat and continued walking. One had traveled down into her pack, slowly reaching out. Soon her fingers found what she had been reaching for and her fingers wrapped around it, feeling the softness even after all this time. Her rose, destroyed and broken, but not dead.

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><p><strong>This might have a sequel if enough people wish for it. I'm so excited for Inquisition! <strong>


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